Talking with God

Over the past week or two, I have had a continuous conversation with God. This has been a fascinating experience…I have thought before about the reality of God and how often we fail to realize it, but it has been a while since I have had time where I intentionally submit myself to God and his unfathomable power. We’ve talked mostly about my future, and what God has in store, but about other things too. Sometimes I get nostalgic about periods of history that I never could have experienced, and in mentioning to God how cool it would be to see Grand Rapids 100 years ago, He said, “You wouldn’t recognize a thing…” to which I replied, “I know, but it would be cool!” God, in His infinite wisdom, has placed me here for a reason – in this city, in the year 2012, in this job, in my life. And no matter how hard I try to change it, God won’t let my plans deviate from His.

I was selected as a finalist for a dream job – a history position with potential for coaching soccer, teaching an AP class, and living in a new town right in the middle of Milwaukee and Grand Rapids – which the administrator recently informed me was being offered to the other candidate. This, frankly, sucked. I haven’t been so bummed about something since Michigan lost to Ohio State at the Horseshoe in 2006. But this rejection is pretty significant. Since looking for a better teaching job, God has given me several opportunities that have fallen through. Timeline….Spring of 2010: Top three finalist at a premier Christian school in St. Louis, rejected. Fall of 2010: Opening at the high school where I student taught and still have friends on staff, not qualified because my degree in History and Political Science is not a Social Studies degree. Spring of 2011: Another opening at the St. Louis school, not even given an interview. Spring of 2011: Top ten finalist at a local Christian school in Hudsonville, rejected. Now, spring of 2012: Top two finalist for an outstanding position in Chicago, rejected. Sometimes it feels like God is using me to thoroughly enjoy a satisfying game of Whack-a-Mole. It’s like he’s glued a dollar to the cement, or ran a current through the cookie jar (too sadistic?). But as easy as it is to be frustrated with how my own plans aren’t working out and wallow in self-pity, it has been made painfully clear that my plans are not what is best for me, or more importantly, my wife and me.

So this is what I’ve learned: God is saying one of two things. Either, “Keep working – you’re almost there. I’m letting you get your hopes up to keep your confidence up and have an awesome position for you,” OR “Keep working, just not in history! You think you want to be a history teacher, but I don’t want you to.” The hard part is figuring out what the message is. Or maybe, the hard part is learning to trust. Where do you draw the line between following God away from what you think your dream is, and giving up on it? How do you know what signs to follow and what signs are misleading? No one can answer these questions, but everyone does at some point. It’s just a matter of being patient and knowing how to let go of all of the wisdom I might think I have in favor of a nebulous plan laid out by a Being that I cannot see, but who knows me best and what is best for me.

So, even though what I saw as an open door ended up being a brick wall that I ran into at full speed, it was put there for a reason. God and I will laugh at this later, but right now it’s time to get up, walk away from the wall, and figure out what door God has actually opened.